Inspirational Saying as Facebook Statuses

Social media are a wonderful thing in theory. They allow us to stay connected! They allow us to exchange baby pictures! They allow us to waste our time on poorly written quizzes riddled with misspellings! They allow us to rate bad 1980’s haircuts! Yippee. Forgive me if I am not dancing a jig just yet. Like many things in life, a great idea in theory ends up as an annoying one in practice. Usually this is due to the stupidity of our fellow man, or at least our fellow man’s ability to show the whole world how brain dead one person can be on a daily basis.

That said, there are many types of Facebookers that deserve their own Misanthrope’s Blog Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Being Annoying. The first type includes Those who use inspirational sayings as their status. After a long, hard day at the office, getting yelled at by bosses, commuting on the sardine cans called the NYC subway, riding the disaster that is the Long Island Railroad and then walking home through a foot of snow, it somehow happens that an inspirational Facebook status makes me want to throw my laptop against the wall. Maybe I have anger management issues. But maybe not; perhaps only dumb people get a pickup at the end of the day by seeing some treacly, bargain-basement greeting card saying like:

It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, “Always do what you are afraid to do.”—Emerson

I am not sure what is more sickening; the fact that this person is so smug that he/she/it thinks “I am just going to radiate good feelings to the world because that is the type of person I am,” or the fact that they actually think they are well-read because they can search for inspirational quotes on Google. Here is a hint from Uncle Patrick: You are neither.

And what does this even mean? I am afraid to stick a hot poker in my eye. So they are saying I should do it? I am afraid I will get knifed by someone while walking though the dank, dark decrepitude that is New York City. So what are you saying, exactly?

There is a reason why fear is so important; you cannot live without it. If you are one of these Inspirers, try using that line next time you encounter a homeless guy begging for money. Tell him “I always say, do that which you are afraid to do,” and see what happens. And if you have any fingers left afterwards, e-mail me and let me know.

We all live lives of quiet desperation (see, there, I can find quotes also you morons), and you will forgive me if these ludicrously shallow one-liners from long dead literati do not exactly perk me up, or anyone else who has normal brain function.

What exactly about the word “status” implies that you can just put a lousy saying as your status? A “status” is supposed to be telling us what you are doing or at least to give us some information about the person writing it. It is defined as “a state of affairs.” Not that we misanthropes care what is going on in your pathetic excuse for a life. Are you really so important that one thousand people have to know that you are making eggs for breakfast? Believe me, you are not.

How about this one:

“If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.”

This one doesn’t make sense, though maybe I am just not smart enough to figure it out. How can one know what is beyond your hopes if you do not hope? Does it matter what your hope is? With apologies to Bill Engvall, I hope to one day walk into my house with Kim Kardashian lying on my couch wearing nothing but high heels and a note from my wife saying “Happy Birthday.” So what will I find that is beyond that hope?

3 Responses to “Inspirational Saying as Facebook Statuses”

  1. All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.
    T.E. Lawrence
    I share this profundity with you, Patrick as I order my triple non-fat, vanilla mocha (no whip) with my egg whites and multi-grain muffin.
    And never believe a tete-a-tete with Kim Kardashian is inconceivable, even having your wife’s approval and blessing. In the great words of
    Henry David Thoreau, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”

  2. patrick dicaprio Says:

    robert, if i live the life i imagined i would go to jail in three days.

  3. Several members of my family use FB in this way.

    I feel like I am drowning in a sea of self satisfied outpourings dressed up in the words of others. I swear they think the more recognisable the name attached to the quote the more kudos the words carry – even when wrongly attributed.

    Serial quote Googlers – jesus! If the average facebook user where half as intelligent, well read or even had half the life experience they hint at we could solve the problems of war, famine intolerance by Thursday leaving Friday for Global warming and ensuring we all get to enjoy the weekend.

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