Vaguebookers—I am not sure if these are worse that the Inspirers, so we will call it a tie. How sad are you that you are so starved for attention that you have to throw up a status such as “is depressed.” I admit that I vaguebooked once or twice, until I realized just how juvenile and pathetic it is. Of course, I was a neophyte at Facebook at the time and didn’t even know what vaguebooking was.

You are depressed? OK, I will give you a pass. What about the loser that says “tired” or “wondering if it all is worth it?” No pass for you my friend. If you are tired, put your laptop down and go take a nap, or swallow ten Ambien. It will help, believe me. And if you are wondering whether it is all worth it, I can tell you for sure it is not.

For one thing, let’s not pretend that you have it so bad. People who were in the Haiti earthquake can wonder if it is all worth it. If you are typing that status on a $1500 Mac while drinking a four-dollar latte from Starbucks and reading the New Yorker and its insipid, unfunny cartoons, well you have no right to wonder if it is all worth it.

Both of these Facebookers have the same problem-a ridiculously inflated sense of self-worth. One thinks they are so wonderful they can enliven the world. The other is so proud of themselves that they can be “deep.” These are the same people that think Avatar is “deep” and original.

The whole idea behind Facebook (and believe me I wish I thought of it) is to prey on people’s vanity. Everyone wants to think that the world actually cares about their failed and useless lives. Or, worse yet, they think that it is cool that all these people are interested in them.

But we don’t reveal our real selves on Facebook. If we did we would all be arrested. What I want to see are real Facebook updates like:

Joe Blow is “committing adultery with an ovine.”
Jane Smith is “screwing the carpenter while Bill is at work.”
Mary Sunshine is “stealing pens from my office.”
Tony is “fond of exposing himself on the subway.”

When this happens, Facebook will be the greatest.


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