Jesus. On Toast?

What do toast, fingerprints, trees and wall stains have in common? They are all places where morons claim to have seen Jesus Christ. Just this week some kid in Arizona claimed that Jesus Christ showed up in his fingerprint.

No matter how badly you think of your fellow man, there is no limit to just how silly and moronic they can be. People believe all sorts of silly things. Before we look at the why, let’s talk about some obvious facts about just how stupid these people are who see Jesus everywhere.

Jesus was not a blonde white man. Everyone that sees Jesus always sees him as he is depicted by Christians. It is simply unbelievable that anyone who claims to be a true believer in Jesus Christ somehow pictures him as a blonde, white man with long, flowing hair. If he existed, Jesus lived in a desert with no running water, no plumbing and slept on rocks in the great outdoors. He was not a blonde man with beautiful luscious hair that would suffice for a modern shampoo commercial. He was probably a dirty, smelly unwashed man. And that is OK, that’s how people lived then.

Belief in such images is sinful. The original Ten Commandments prohibited graven images of God. This included statues, paintings and any other renderings. But, sadly for the powers that be, it is impossible to fleece people’s pocketbooks unless you put Jesus’ face on something. So they simply changed the rules so that they could make some dough.

In that regard Jesus is not that dissimilar to Mickey Mouse. Put his face on something and gullible, sad, desperate people will fork over their hard-earned dollars to buy it. You can even sell Holy Water, which is supposedly blessed, for double the price of bottled water. Hell, even St. Patrick’s Cathedral has a Gift Shop, and it is online for your shopping convenience.

Assuming that the Son of God is appearing in wall stains and toast, God is forcing people to be sinful. This makes no sense. But when you are brainwashed to think that Jesus was a blonde white guy is it that much of a stretch to hope that he will appear on your toast? Personally I am waiting for the religious version of Disney World. Surely this is a revenue stream the Church has not yet tapped. Oh wait, they already did.

It is just fucking stupid. Jesus is the Majestic Savior of Humanity. He died for our sins. He wants us to have faith and eventual Salvation at the end days by getting to Heaven. And yet, the best way he can reveal himself is in a fucking stain on a wall or a piece of toast? 

There are a few reasons why people think they see Jesus everywhere. Well, maybe three. Do we count the fact that people are outright liars and frauds that simply want to get on the news? Or maybe they are taking a page from the Church’s playbook by selling something with Jesus’ face on it to Perish the thought.

But let’s not brand all of these poor souls as outright liars and con men. Let’s assume that there are a few that actually believe Jesus is showing himself in an oil stain. Why would they do that?

The first reason is that we are hard-wired to see patterns in randomness. This is called the “clustering illusion” or “apophenia.” It is why people also believe that cell phones or electrical wires cause cancer. It is the assumption that everything has to have a reason. If there is a cancer cluster there must be a reason, so we point to cell phones. If there is a blotch that looks like someone’s face, there must be a reason, so it must be Jesus trying to make contact with us. If a basketball player makes five shots in a row it cannot be random, so he must have better confidence.

The other reason is the sad psychology of desperation that many of us exhibit. We simply cannot believe that we have no purpose here other than to procreate. Our lives must have a higher purpose. And we are so desperate for this to be true that we find confirmation of it everywhere. If a child survives a plane crash it must be a miracle and God’s Will. Forget about the fact that everyone else died and he was just lucky that random chance made him survive. Nope, there has to be a reason he lived. If someone bathes in the waters at Lourdes and is cured of cancer then it is because God wanted it to be so.

We want to believe; no we have to believe that we are meant for something more. If not, we are simply a bunch of brutes, as Thomas Hobbes posited in Leviathan. So we confirm this everywhere we can, simply because it makes some people feel better.

And if you think it is just about Jesus on toast, think again.  Most people will say that people who think Jesus is appearing in toast are idiots. But what about when people die? Who among us has not said to a grieving person that the dead person is in a better place, or that it was God’s Will, or that “she is now with her mother?” This is the exact same thing as seeing Jesus in a piece of toast, but it is far more palatable. We are seeing a divine explanation for a random act, finding a reason for something that has no reason. And it makes us feel better to bullshit ourselves; that is better than facing the truth.


One Response to “Jesus. On Toast?”

  1. What worries me is that people are claiming to see Elvis on toast and broken rocks too, because I’d hate for Elvis to be as demeaned as the alleged Jesus

    and I guess when you’re willing to believe in skydaddies, then their rape love child appearing on toast isn’t that much harder.


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