Wine Snobs and People that Flaunt Wealth

Few people are more annoying than the wine snob. As someone in a position to mete out some business to law firms (and that is not at all interesting or important, it is drone-work) I get invited to dinners by attorneys trying to get on my good side, and recently attended a lunch where I met a wine snob attorney. The ones that wax poetic about the benefits of J. Lohr wine never get a call from me. They are truly pitiable cretins who think that they can show their class by substituting a knowledge of something as ridiculous as wine as a substitute.

We all have innate desires for self-esteem. Like vampires we, gain it at the expense of our fellow man. We wear expensive clothes and brag about $1,000 sweaters. We wear Rolexes and Tag Heuer watches, not because they keep better time than my Mickey Mouse watch (which I actually wear everyday among the Rolexes, Tags and Tissots of my co-workers) but because they are evidence that they have money. And we actually think that spouting nonsense about wine, cars, watches and “culture” make us better than everyone else.

First off, wine differentiation is mostly bullshit. Surely the average person that drinks wine regularly can tell the difference between a box wine and Chateau Latour, can’t they? Well they will surely convince you that they can. You will hear such bullshit that you cannot believe that they are not drinking the actual nectar of the Gods. These losers will tell you about fruity essences and long finishes. They are true experts! And they are better than me and you because they can distinguish these things.

Well, tough luck for them that we are here to burst their bubble. Not only has research proven them false time and time again, common sense and psychology play a big role. Expectations color our perception. French researcher Frédéric Brochet “submitted a mid-range Bordeaux in two different bottles, one labeled as a cheap table wine, the other bearing a grand cru etiquette. Tasters described the supposed grand cru as “woody, complex, and round” and the supposed cheap wine as “short, light, and faulty.”

So you think the fact that a wine that comes from France is better than one from Long Island?  In the same study when served a white wine tasters received all the usual descriptions: “fresh, dry, honeyed, lively.” Later he served the same exact wine dyed red and received the usual red terms: “intense, spicy, supple, deep.” Yes, we cannot even distinguish between white and red wine.

Like many other activities, we engage in, humans generally are motivated by jealousy of their fellow man and a desire to fill the rampant gaping holes in their psyches. Since they know deep down they are not worthy of any respect, they try to gain it by proving mastery of something that only a man or woman of true taste can understand. People like me that claim they are full of it are merely uncultured Philistines.

What is saddening is that these cretins actually believe the horseshit they are peddling. Like psychics that eventually come to believe their powers are real these snobs truly believe that they are better than the rest of us. Or at least they believe that they have culture, taste and refinement. So what if they are adulterers, or outright thieves as most lawyers and businessmen are. Who cares if their entire career and their entire claim of identity is built on theft by overbilling, or the proffering of fraud? They are truly men of distinction because they have taste.

See, that is what I think their true motivation is. They are using anything of so-called culture to wash away the dirt and grime that is truly in their souls. It could be ballet, classical music, art, wine or anything else that is generally viewed as “culture” by the upper middle class and higher on the income ladder.

By showing the outside world that they have taste and refinement they are telling the world that they are cultured and refined. After all, if they can spout clichés about the fruity essence of what is basically glorified grape juice and we cannot disagree with them because we “don’t have their knowledge” then aren’t they better than us? That is exactly what they are thinking to themselves.

And having money, they can afford the “finer things” that we bottom-dwellers cannot afford. So they pay $750 bucks for Jimmy Choo or Manolo Blahnik shoes or buy a $15,000 Franck Muller watch, as some bozo wore to my daughter’s Christening. Yes, even in a supposedly holy place no one is immune from having others try to prop themselves up, even for a little bit, at others’ expense.

Among the more silly things I have had friends and acquaintances brag to me about are:

Longaberger baskets – yes there are morons that will pay $100 for a fucking wicker basket; In fact of all of the things that I have heard people brag about this is easily among the most ridiculous.

Johnnie Walker Blue – Ah yes, if you are a rich 25-year-old with absolutely no sense of taste for good whiskey you can convince others that you drink “the best.” But no scotch drinker of any respect ever drinks Blue, and if you think you are a true scotch drinker, well, think again.

Expensive Cars – I have news for you; a car is not a substitute for a small penis and a car does not do anything for you other than to get you from Point A to Point B. In fact, the guy that buys an expensive car is probably the dumbest of the dumb. Someone who is logical about it will know that a car needs utility and safety; if you put looks and status over the safety of you or your family then it is safe to say your brain does not work properly. So, don’t brag to me about your new Mercedes.

Country Clubs – You have to be fucking stupid to pay $10,000 or more to play golf every year. Or you hate minorities, women and the unwashed masses like me so much that you are willing to pay for the privilege of not seeing me and my cronies on the golf course.

Big wedding rings – What is wrong with some women that a glittering ball of carbon on their finger matters so much to them? You are truly a mental midget if you actually care about how big your ring is.  Some women even get “upgrades.” You see, for them their husband’s love and the fact that he is willing to drop $5,000 on a rock is not enough; no their love is conditioned on an even bigger hunk of rock. Men out there, if your wife asks you to get a bigger ring, get a divorce, and fast. You will thank me for this advice, trust me.

I get this shit virtually every day and it is so depressing. It is a symptom of where I live. But thankfully I have a wife that feels the same way I do and it is a treasure to have someone so grounded as a salmon swimming upstream against the tide of the New York City area . I have news for you: taste, refinement and class do not come from material things and neither does self-esteem. So please stop being a self-esteem vampire and stop making yourself feel better at others’ expense. And if you think I, or any other reasonable person, give a shit about your fucking new car or your vacation to Anguilla think again.

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