The Misanthrope’s Fashion Rules For Commuters

Are you interested to see just how far other humans can sink and to what depths they can plumb? Curious about how much disdain for others one person can have? You needn’t read the news, just try to commute in New York City.

Commuting in NYC is as close to a Thomas-Hobbes-like war of all against all as exists in most of our everyday lives. It is quite literally every man and woman for himself or herself. If you truly want to know the soul of a person just see how they act when getting on or off a train. Are you pregnant? Using a cane? Carrying a baby? No matter; you will get run over, as my wife can attest (and many others of you I am sure).

That said, commuting itself is not the topic du jour at least not today. We can save that for another day. Today we are going to give you the Misanthrope’s Fashion Rules for Commuters.

People want to be animals. We really don’t want to be civilized; we have to because the world makes it so, but given our druthers I think Hobbes was right; we really would be a bunch of animals fighting wars. Or perhaps I should say he is right. We really, truly, as a species, do not care for our fellow man. Or at least we will always act as selfishly as possible without going to jail, and commuting is proof of this thesis.

How do I know this? When you see the following you will really know that some/most of us simply do not care about our fellow man. Otherwise we would not go out of our way to disgust others as some of these poor saps do on a daily basis:

  1. If you have no toenails, please do not wear open-toed shoes. Yes the other day I was treated to the wonderful sight of an otherwise fine looking woman who had no toenails on her big toes. Her big toe was a gnarled mass of disgusting skin. Thankfully she felt the need to share this with the rest of us commuters. This is doubly true for you gross fat guys that insist on wearing sandals on the train. Now we not only get to see your gnarly toes with no nails, we get to see your flabby, hairy legs as well. Boy, what a treat.
  2. In a similar vein- if you have open sores or scrapes that need bandages, please see rule number one.– Today my fellow commuters and I were welcomed onto a train by a woman with bandages on her foot that did not quite cover up the foul-looking injury of some kind that was lurking beneath. Ugh. If you need a band-aid or a bandage on any part of your body just cover it up, will you?
  3. If you are over 60, please do not dress like a teenager– This may seem common-sensical, but not to the lady I see most days on the train going east. This fine lady deems it just fine to wear miniskirts and high heels, despite the fact that she is clearly over 60 and very wrinkly, and I am not speaking hyperbolically or for effect. She falls more in the “pathetic” side of the ledger rather than the “disgusting” side, but is misanthropy-worthy nonetheless.
  4. Men who use golf umbrellas while commuting in the rain are assholes – There are few more overt ways to tell the world “Fuck You” than using a golf umbrella on a crowded street. For those who do not know what a golf umbrella is, it is an extra-large umbrella that is meant to be able to cover a golfer who is hitting a ball in the rain and for the very curious just look for pics of Tiger Woods. These abominations are very large. But the so-called man who uses on in the street is so egotistical that he tries to create a huge zone of personal space on a crowded sidewalk, and anyone who breaches his personal space will get poked in the eye by his extra large umbrella.
  5. These men sicken me most of all. Unlike the other people above, these guys are simply holding out a middle finger to everyone else, and do so consciously. So what if a little old lady or some poor girl gets poked in the eye, or has to jump into oncoming traffic? As long as Mr. Stuffy White Guy doesn’t get his poor self a little wet, who cares?

    And this moron is almost always the kind of person we hate most here on this blog- the guy who thinks that we are all oh-so-impressed that you play golf at Pebble Beach and that you wear an expensive watch or suit just to tell the world how far above the rest of us cretins you are.

    5. Last but not least is the guy who has the big backpack. I know I am not the first to say this but there really should be a rule that you cannot wear a backpack on a train. Yet again we have someone who thinks he has more right to space on the train than the rest of us. You know who you are. You are going to work, you are not hiking the Appalachian Trail, so cut the bullshit, leave the backpack at home and carry a bag that can go on the floor where it doesn’t keep hitting everyone else in the face when the train bounces.

Of course, we have barely scratched the surface of the People We All Should Hate While Commuting. But we can only do so much in one post. If you are a commuter and think I missed one of your least favorites, leave a comment below.


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